Dear Family and Friends,
I know. I have gone MIA. I
haven’t even been able to accurately explain this whole fucked up situation. I can’t
decide if I am embarrassed by the fact that we are working towards
reconciliation or what. If I were giving myself unbiased advice I would say, “RUN!!
Get out while you can. You are half way there, just forge ahead. Fool me once,
but damnit, fool me TWICE!?” But, I don’t want to hear that. In fact, I haven’t
wanted anyone’s advice. I know that you have been reading my blog for updates. I just don’t want to talk. I don’t want to
justify. I don’t want to explain. I feel like I am in the eye of a horrific
shitstorm and I don’t have the energy to play defense. I would love a quiet
place to collect my thoughts and get my goddamned act together.I don’t want to hide out necessarily, but honestly I am embarrassed and ashamed. (The stronger and more realistic part of me is so pissed at myself for that last statement.) I am ashamed that we let this happen to our marriage and I am ashamed that we let things gets so completely fucked up. I am embarrassed that there were so many lies and so much deception. I am so beyond rage at the last couple of months that I have become dormant. I want to fast forward. I want to push past the pain, anger and distrust. I want to let go of these feelings of inadequacy. I think that is the worst feeling of all. I never want to feel inferior. Never. EVER. I am so pissed off that I have a lump in my throat. I am not inadequate. I want to stop obsessing; I want to move on to our best days.
I love my family. I love
my husband. I know that this is the right decision for our little unit. But,
honestly, I was right when I said this would be the hardest thing that we would
ever do. Sometimes I cry. I cry happy tears that my family is back together and
frustrated tears that there is so much work ahead of us. In the quiet moments
of the night, Jeff faithfully listens to me unburden my soul, my thoughts, my fears and my anxieties.
He always tells me how deeply sorry he is for our situation. He hasn’t forgiven
himself.
There are times you
do things that you simply cannot explain to others; actions that may seem so
out of character that even you are surprised by your own behavior. This is how
I have felt a lot lately. I don’t even know what is going to happen next. I
feel like I am watching this whole scene play out in front of me. I don’t have
a plan, I don’t have a path. I am literally living in the moment, taking it day
by day. There is a certain freedom and excitement that I cannot explain.
This has been a teaching
moment. A real life lesson in forgiveness (for both of us), love and
compassion. Bear with me, I will be back soon. Thank you for giving me both space
and support.
I love you,
Meagan  |
| Just a friendly reminder. |
I think I know what you mean about pushing past the anger and sadness. When my baby Fox died (I know, not the same as a marriage, but still heartbreaking!) I had a complete breakdown. I didn't leave my bed for two weeks, and this was the week we bought our house, one month before our wedding...but I couldn't pull myself together. After time, when I finally was able to mention his name without bursting into tears I HAD to stop thinking about him. I stopped rereading my old tweets about him, I avoided looking at pictures... all because it was just too painful. He died tragically in my arms and nothing was going to change that, I would never forget him, but purposefully trying to heal would not work... I had to look blindly forward. I think it's ok to not know what's coming next, if that's all you have. Sometimes dwelling can be so emotionally draining so a giant leap of faith is order. So it seems like you and Jeff are closing your eyes, holding hands and taking this giant leap, but you're doing it together. And btw you're blog is my reason for breathing :)
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