Therapist: Session #6

My therapist: So, how has this week been? Tell me what has been going on.

Me: Uh, I don’t know where to start.

At last week’s session we had discussed trying out Eye Something Something Something. It’s some kind of treatment to help get past traumatic situations, something like PTSD therapy. Without getting into all the awful, painful details (at least not here right now), I thought that this may be a successful way to begin anew in my relationship.

I chose to look at a blue dot that moves back and forth (on an ipad screen! Therapy has come a long way since the watch on a chain) and you concentrate on the visual of the traumatic situation and a word that best describes your feelings on said situation. When the dot stops, you discuss how you are feeling and what emotions you are having in that moment…rinse and repeat.

Through this appointment, I learned something about myself. I need to feel loved. Like, really loved. Truly, completely, honestly, unconditionally loved. I am like a teenager, I push you away and say awful things to see if you will come after me. I subconsciously test you to see if you are willing to chase after me, scoop me up and tell me that everything will be ok. I need reassurance (not ambivalence) and constant, gentle reminders that I am loved.

The other day Ella told me that she “doesn’t like me”. Devastated at this statement, I picked her up, took her to her room and held her. I told her that those kinds of words hurt my feelings and that even though she is angry with me, I still love her. That is the kind of unconditional love that I require. Even in my craziest moments, I need a hug. I need you to chase after me and hold my hand. I need to know that even when I am flying high on the trapeze of insecurities, there will undoubtedly be a net waiting to catch me when I fall.

I don’t think I have ever felt like anyone has ever truly had my back in a relationship. I have never been able to fall into the waiting arms of a partner. I think this may be the reason I have become hardened and callus at times. I lash out in hopes that I can be reassured that someone will still love me despite my flaws. I yell louder, I cut to the quick…all in efforts to know you still care.

Its backwards and crazy…I know. I am a thirty year old woman still pushing people away in hopes secretly test them. I just want someone to run after me. Always. Every single time. I promise I will try my very best to stop pushing, stop testing, and control my destructive patterns if I could finally trust that strong arms would always be willing to hug me even in my most unloveable moments.

xoxo

P.S. I suppose I am a bit more insecure than I originally thought. Damn. That pisses me off.

 

Therapist: Session #3

This past Tuesday I had my third session with the therapist. She said the inevitable, "You married your father." Ah, fuck. 

Please, let me preface, my Dad is awesome. He was (and still is) a great father. In fact, I don't think I could have asked for a better dad. Seriously, he was kind and loving and present. He would lie on the floor with me and play dolls. I never felt neglected or disappointed by my dad. He truly was a great father. To this day we talk at least three times a week and at the conclusion of every conversation he says, "I am never more than a phone call away." 

He was also a shitty husband. He was quiet and fairly reserved. A stoic man of few words. Definitely not one for deep, meaningful, open communication, or at least that is the perception that I understood of their relationship. Dad was quiet, mom yelled a lot. Dad would get defensive, mom would continue to berate and nag. Cycle after cycle. I remember throwing a pair of scissors down the hallway with a note attached. It said something along the lines of "please stop arguing and just get a divorce." Fuck. 

I guess I can't really say that I had a great example of marriage. I would also venture to guess that my own marriage was pretty similar. When you take this line of reasoning one generation farther...I am currently, as we speak, screwing up my own children and their earliest impressions on marriage and relationships. Double fuck.

I can rest at night knowing that my children do have an wonderful father, whom they most certainly love wholly and unconditionally. He works his ass off to provide, at times to the detriment of our family life, but he takes his responsibility seriously. He is old fashioned and sees the world as very black and white. He is responsible for provisions and he will provide. I am responsible for the children and a home life that allows him the freedom to provide.

Both men married young, both drank too much, both lack communication skills and both fiercely love their kids. Two little peas in a little pod. So, maybe I did marry my father.

My parents have been an excellent example of a amicable ex-spousal situation. My brother and I always come first on their list of priorities. We can all have dinner together or spend a holiday together without killing each other...mostly. My dad maintains that Mom filing for divorce was the best thing that ever happened to him. He stopped drinking, focused on his passions and grew a fulfilling career. 

I hope our divorce can be the same fresh start that my parents found theirs to be. I hope this can begin a new journey towards self discovery. Jeff and I already feel like we are happier. We get along better, we are kinder and more considerate and we can begin to enjoy each other's company again. Somehow it feels like we took the pressure off our relationship and are left with the good parts. This is a strange journey. Jerry Garcia was right,"what a long strange trip it's been." Yep.

Xoxo

Therapist: Session #2

I went to my second therapist appointment this afternoon. It was interesting…

My best friend goes to the same therapist and highly recommended Dr. P. My friend never stuck me as much of a “therapy” guy, but I figured if he sang her praises, she had to be pretty damn good. He was right.

The first session was crazy good. In one hour she was able to unravel issues that I hadn’t been able to resolve for the past 20 years. I mean, she was good. I promise to write about that appointment later, but it was steeped with too many tear-stained tissues and majorly ugly revelations to just casually mention in a Facebook blog. (Don’t worry, I am working those issues out too, but putting them in manuscript form for a later date and forum)

So, back to today’s appointment. Today we talked about me. Wow. That’s kind of a revelation in its own. ME? Uhhh…not sure what there is to say? I have been raising kids for the last 5 years. I could not think of a single thing that defines me. What do I like to do? Do I have hobbies? Any interests? Passions? Um…no? Maybe? Not really?

Back to the interesting part…she did this energy alignment exercise. She had me align my left/right brain response and center my chakra alignments and then had me hold my arm out in front of me. She asked me a series of questions and lightly pushed on my arm. If I was giving truthful answers, my am would stay strong when pushed, if not, it would push down easily. I even did some test questions first.

What is your name? Jennifer. (wobble, wobble) Meagan. (strong and steady)

Where were you born? Mississippi. (wobble) Austin. (steady)

So weird!

She asked about my passions…

Is writing your passion? Yes. (steady)

Do you think you are a good writer? Yes. (steady)

Do you want writing to be a career? Yes. (steady)

Apparently my subconscious knows something that I am not quite ready to admit to myself. I mean, who sets out to try writing? Crazy people. Intelligent people. People that believe in the own talents. Not me.

My homework assignment is to make a vision board. You know, like the one that Oprah talked about on her show that one time. A collage of clippings from things you would like to accomplish, see and do.  I just so happen to have an extra bulletin board! I will pull out some pushpins and scissors and get to work.  I also happen to have a bottle of Dreaming Tree wine chilling in the fridge and the evening to myself. No time like the present!

xoxo