Forgiveness

I need this anxiety to go away. It not all the time, its not even every day. But it happens enough that its driving me nuts. It happens anytime I overthink….and I overthink A. Lot. That’s my thing, I am an over thinker, an over planner and an over analyzer. It’s awesome to live in my head. Some days I wish I could just escape, if even for an hour or two. I want to feel confident and secure and right now I don’t; at least not all the time. It is getting better mind you. But in the deep, dark depths of my insecurity I am still raw and vulnerable. There are nights I pull into the driveway after work and think, “this will be the night that he changes his mind; the night that my whole world will come crashing down again.” I don’t want to live constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is no guarantee that it will fall, but there is always the chance. There are no guarantees in life, this I have learned.

To his credit, Jeff has been amazing. He is supportive (even with my new found raging insecurities); he recognizes my vulnerabilities and tries his best to reassure me that this is just a small blip in our timeline of life. In my whinier moments, I asked when my brain will stop driving me crazy. He had the best answer.  He said, one day will pass and you won’t think about it, then two days, then a week will pass and then months will go by until eventually you realize that you have moved past the pain, and that is when we can live the best of our lives together. I think about that often, I have gone a day or two without overanalyzing, without torturing myself with all the “what ifs”. Its nice. I am surprised I even have those days. I am surprised that my heart is capable of giving and receiving love. I am surprised that I am capable of forgiveness. True forgiveness.

Honestly though, the act of forgiveness is more for me than him. Forgiveness is a gift to myself. I could not walk through this life carrying the baggage of resentment and anger. Like Buddah said, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”  I don’t want him to die. Well, there were moments that I wished some harm come to him…you know, like in the movies where the wife goes crazy and lights the house on fire and walks away with a smile on her face? Yeah, that is what I wanted. But, we have kids to think about. These precious little nuggets of love deserve the very best that life has to offer.

Inner peace begins the moment you chose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions. I am still working on this. Let’s just say that I am a work in progress. But, hey, at least there is progress, right?? Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behavior, it prevents their behavior from destroying your heart. My heart is more important to me than I ever had known. I love deeply, I care deeply and I am capable of forgiveness. Who knew? Not me.

xoxo