I am not sure what to
write, but on the 6th anniversary of our wedding, I feel that I
should commemorate the occasion somehow. So here it goes:
We were married Labor Day weekend of
2007 on the courthouse lawn. 120 white chairs were set up on either side of the
concrete aisle on the South side of the square. We were 24 & 25 years old
(I am a cougar by a year), we had no money and absolutely no idea what marriage
entailed or what the next 6 years would hold in store for us. We did it all by
the book: dated throughout college, graduated, got engaged, got married, built a house, got insurance,
planned our first child, planned our 2nd child…we both made a concerted
effort to play by the rules and follow the proven path.
Jeff advanced his career through promotions,
raises, hard work and dedication. I stayed at home, cooking, cleaning, grocery
shopping and taking care of our kids. We planned trips to New Mexico, San
Diego, New Orleans, Napa and Florida. We took the kids to visit their grandparents;
we went to museums and took them to ride on a tiny train in Austin. We got a
Prius (which I had to talk Jeff into) bought a station wagon and made sure that
Ella had pink sparkle TOMS. We turned our office into a playroom with a kid sized
table, chairs and all the washable art supplies we could handle. We were
experts at going through the motions. We had fun, we loved our kids, but we
were miserable.
We forgot about each other.
We forgot about the simple things: date night, kisses before we went to sleep,
negotiating the housework and using kind words. We forgot that marriage meant
that we were a team, a tiny team of two that turned into a team of four. We
created a family cheer. We all put our hands on top of each other, ONE, TWO,
THREE- FAMILY FOUR! Even tiny Ben would join in. Before our plane took off for
Florida at the beginning of the summer we did our cheer. The kids were so
excited to be on a plane, but something still felt off. I should have known
then that the shit was about to hit the fan; a complete and total upheaval of
our lives, our family and our marriage.
It wasn’t even a week
later that everything went to hell. A week or two after we decided to separate,
Ella wanted to do the Family Four cheer. Jeff obliged, but had tears in his
eyes. We weren’t the Family Four anymore. We were a hybrid. Family Three plus One?
I don’t know. It was heartbreaking. We were still going through the motions. We
had two young kids that wouldn’t understand the truth. Two young kids that didn’t
need to know the awful details and the complete destruction of our best laid
plans. Plans we dreamed of while lying in bed in the quiet hours of the night.
Plans that once upon a time held so much hope and promise. Those plans were
crushed in the wake of distrust and betrayal. A hurt so deep that neither of us
had any hope of return. Papers were drawn and life would move on.
Then, the single sentence
that changed it all, “I am rethinking everything.”
WTF. I had filed the
papers, we had a plan…another plan. (We are apparently planners.) We were
counting down our 60 days to end our marriage. Reconciliation? Really? Is it
possible? Can I let go of the past? Can I move past the pain and the anger? Can
we trust each other again? Is it even worth recommitting ourselves?
This time we don’t have a
plan. Our plans never seem to work out. This time we are flying by the seat of
our pants. Screw plans, they haven’t worked for us so far. Therapy, counseling,
healthy life decisions and dedication to each other and our family…that’s all
we got. We have to take a leap of faith that our love will get us through…well,
that and hefty doses of therapy sessions.
Me: Leap of faith we will
do it right this time?
Jeff: It’s not a leap.
We’ve both committed, no?Me: I want more than anything in this world to have our #familyfour2.0
Jeff: Me too!!
Jeff: The right way
Me: That’s what the 2.0
means, right?
Jeff: yes, a better
version
Me: The best version
Jeff: Yes!Me: I love you. I am so very sorry we let this happen to us.
Jeff: I love you too. I am glad it happened. Otherwise we couldn’t improve.
Me: A positive outlook
looks good on you!
Jeff: #FamilyFourever
Me: very punny
Happy Anniversary, my love. Damn, this has been one hell of a ride. I wouldn't mind getting out of the wave pool and just hanging out in the shallow end for a while. Let's let the kids splash around and marvel in our sweet little Family Four.
xoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment