Memoirs of A Modern Mom: Therapist: Session #6

My therapist: So, how has this week been? Tell me what has been going on.

Me: Uh, I don’t know where to start.

At last week’s session we had discussed trying out Eye Something Something Something. It’s some kind of treatment to help get past traumatic situations, something like PTSD therapy. Without getting into all the awful, painful details (at least not here right now), I thought that this may be a successful way to begin anew in my relationship.

I chose to look at a blue dot that moves back and forth (on an ipad screen! Therapy has come a long way since the watch on a chain) and you concentrate on the visual of the traumatic situation and a word that best describes your feelings on said situation. When the dot stops, you discuss how you are feeling and what emotions you are having in that moment…rinse and repeat.

Through this appointment, I learned something about myself. I need to feel loved. Like, really loved. Truly, completely, honestly, unconditionally loved. I am like a teenager, I push you away and say awful things to see if you will come after me. I subconsciously test you to see if you are willing to chase after me, scoop me up and tell me that everything will be ok. I need reassurance (not ambivalence) and constant, gentle reminders that I am loved.

The other day Ella told me that she “doesn’t like me”. Devastated at this statement, I picked her up, took her to her room and held her. I told her that those kinds of words hurt my feelings and that even though she is angry with me, I still love her. That is the kind of unconditional love that I require. Even in my craziest moments, I need a hug. I need you to chase after me and hold my hand. I need to know that even when I am flying high on the trapeze of insecurities, there will undoubtedly be a net waiting to catch me when I fall.

I don’t think I have ever felt like anyone has ever truly had my back in a relationship. I have never been able to fall into the waiting arms of a partner. I think this may be the reason I have become hardened and callus at times. I lash out in hopes that I can be reassured that someone will still love me despite my flaws. I yell louder, I cut to the quick…all in efforts to know you still care.

Its backwards and crazy…I know. I am a thirty year old woman still pushing people away in hopes secretly test them. I just want someone to run after me. Always. Every single time. I promise I will try my very best to stop pushing, stop testing, and control my destructive patterns if I could finally trust that strong arms would always be willing to hug me even in my most unloveable moments.

xoxo