The House that Meagan Built.

Warning: I realize that I run the risk of sounding like an introspective selfish teenager. I don’t care. It’s either this or an ulcer? Well, perhaps not an ulcer, but it is not good to hold things in, right? Whatever. This is happening.

I have been searching for “me” recently. I think that having children has really blurred my sense of self. My husband never thought I would be a very good mother. He assumed that I would be too selfish. I can honestly say that I think I have surprised us both. I am caring, (fairly) compassionate, hard-working and I would venture to say selfless. Yep, selfless. This was a pretty huge revelation.  I have put everyone else’s needs above my own. I assume everyone is busier, everyone is more tired, and everyone is more stressed. I have decided that my needs should always be put on the back burner. Always.

Truthfully, this is a house of cards that I have unknowingly built. I have become my family’s everything. I support, structure, and care for everyone all the time. I am forever the cheerleader, supporting everyone else’s goals and dreams. I have built this odd structure that depends on me to keep all the balls in the air. I am tired of juggling. I want my own cheerleader. I want my goals and dreams to be supported and for others to make concessions while I try things out. I don’t have that luxury. I have two kids who are completely dependent on me- which is the way that childhood should be.

I have a husband who is dedicated to supporting our family and fostering his passions. I have fully supported his need to be happy, productive and successful. Quite frankly, my life is easier when he feels happy and fulfilled. So for the last 9 years I have been on a mission to make sure that he is happy and content. I love him and when you love someone it makes your heart happy to know that you have a small part in their happiness. I set this structure up. It is my fault. I don’t regret it- it has made me find parts of myself that I didn’t know existed.

I didn’t know I had the capacity to love so deeply, to care about people so completely, to truly put someone else’s needs above mine. I am so happy to have two wonderful children. I adore them. I never thought I even wanted kids until my husband came along. I never thought I could lose myself so completely in a relationship. I had never been comfortable giving that much of myself before. Ever. I needed to retain “Meagan”. I needed to always have quick access to the protective walls I had built around myself. Gone are the walls and the lines are completely blurred. But now, I am just lost.

I need my own support. I have also recently come to the conclusion that this will be just as hard for me as on my family. They have become so accustomed to my always being there, bending to their needs, rearranging my plans and putting me on the back burner. This will be a learning process for all of us. We will need to acknowledge that the current arrangement isn’t working for all parties involved. There will be some give and take. There will be some pushback. I anticipate some anger and growing pains, but I think it is necessary.

There are quite a few Henry David Thoreau quotes that I could leave you with, but here is my favorite:

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. -Henry David Thoreau, 1854

xoxo