My Affliction with Affliction.

I was watching the Today Show this morning and Kathie Lee and Hoda were judging some kind of twin talent competition. There were two guys in their late 20’s (maybe early 30’s) who played the electric violin…they were quite impressive. Until I looked closer and one of the twins was wearing one of those ultra-douchey Affliction shirts. Jesus Christ, how long do we have to deal with those decorative swirl shirts with the Old English lettering?? I mean, damn. This is a trend that must be stopped. We (mostly) put an end to the trucker hat phenomenon, now it is time to collectively end the reign of douchery. If you also have some kind of rhinestone embellishment on your mens decorative swirl shirt, you get double douche points. What did Khloe Kardashian call Scott Disick? A Dousche Lord? Yep, I like that. (Although, Scott Disick would never be caught dead in an Affliction shirt. It would clash with his ascot and boat shoes…I watch too much tv.)

Henceforth, I deem all males wearing swirly shirts with rhinestones DOUCHE LORDS, and the women with the overly rhinestoned pockets are deemed their Douche Ladies. They need crowns and sashes. Or maybe just a trucker hat…that should suffice.

Back to the point, so there were these amazingly talented electric violin playing twins and I was totally distracted by his douchey fucking shirt! I started thinking, who styled him for the show? Who thought that was the best possible fashion choice for national television? Was this his favorite outfit? Why wasn’t his twin wearing an equally douchey shirt? Shouldn’t there be a twin thing where one is biologically required to assist the other in avoiding crimes of douchery? Apparently not.

Other than Affliction shirts, I would like to add other douchey fashion crimes to my On Notice List:

1.       Shirts that may have any of the  following embellishments: beads, sequins, rivets , gems, studs, metallic paint, or any sort of dragon imagery.

2.       Rhinestones. On any piece of clothing. Unless you are under the age of 8.

3.       Ed Hardy anything.

4.       Popped collars.

5.       Mustaches. The pretend kind, not the real ones. Tom Selleck is still awesome.

6.       Things with intentional holes, especially but not limited to, shirts.

7.       Overuse of leggings as actual pants.

8.   Flat brimmed baseball caps, extra points if the sticker is still on.

9.   Aeropostal. (even Stacy London said it’s a juniors brand, NO ONE over 21 should step foot in the store, let alone wear the brand name proudly displayed across their chest)

10.   Abercrombie & Fitch. Especially after the whole “no fat people can shop here” press. And again, not if you are over 21. It is time to grow up, please. (But, keep sending me the catalogue, the men are pretty damn hot)

11.   Juicy, Sexy or Baby across the ass of your cotton pants/shorts. Come on, it should just say “slut puppy”.

12.   Pants that may have any of the following embellishments: beads, sequins, rivets, gems, studs, metallic paint, or any sort of dragon imagery.

13.   Kanye West. He just annoys me.

 

Just a moment of full disclosure…I had to look up how to spell “douchey”.

Side note: Sometimes spelled “douchy”.

 I am still confused, but either way, we all know what I am talking about. Right? And we all agree, right? Right?

xoxo

 

All hail the Douche Lord: Affliction shirt and 

flamboyantly embellished pockets.