Divorce: Filing the Papers

OMG. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. What the fuck?! Seriously?? This is happening? Holy crap. Take a deep breath. Seriously. This is good. Fine. Oh, my god. This cannot be my life. Its fine, just a small panic attack. Breathe. OMG. This is real. Holy fuck, seriously? Yes. Breathe. This is why you got a prescription for Xanax. Stop. Center. Breathe. Holy moly. FUCK! Seriously??! This is happening. This. Is. Happening.

I filled out all the paperwork and wrote out the terms of the divorce decree and took them down to the attorney’s office today, along with a check for the filing fees. The papers should be submitted by next Monday at the latest. 60 days from Monday this is happening. Omg.

I packed up the kids, the papers, made a stop by the bank and drove on down to the office building. We haven’t had the discussion with the kids yet, not that Ben would have any idea what is happening. I felt kind of weird taking the kids into the attorney’s office to get the paperwork filed, but I am a (mostly) stay-at-home mom, so I don’t have much of a choice. The kids were just super excited to ride in an elevator, so it was like a trip to the amusement park for them, luckily. For me? Well, more like a trip to the dentist. I was prepared, nervous but ultimately relieved it was all over. Or, at least that the process has officially begun. I guess. I don’t know. I am confused how I feel honestly. So maybe it was like an amusement park, but I am old enough to ride the big scary rollercoaster.

I am left with this overwhelming feeling of “holy shit”. Holy shit, this is my life. This is not how I imagined my story to unfold. Sometimes it feels like I am watching this whole situation play out, like some kind of out of body experience. It is all very surreal. That is the best I can describe it- surreal.

I knew the life that I was living wasn’t exactly what I had imagined either. It was different than how I had imagined myself at 30. I wasn’t as happy, I wasn’t as true to myself, I wasn’t as fulfilled as I think I had hoped that I would be. I was too caught up in trying (and failing miserably) to make those around me happy. I had been so focused on my spouse that I became overbearing and controlling. Mind you, it was out of love- I thought I was helping. I thought that I had some magical ability to help change his ways. I was an idiot. You can never change anyone. I know this now. They have to want to change. I was simply beating my head against a wall, growing ever crazier by the day. We had good days, great days even. Amazingly fun times! And suddenly the world would implode and I would see our ugly cycle reappear. Nothing had truly changed. We were back at the beginning.

So, here I am, in an elevator, taking my kids to file divorce papers. Omg. This is happening.

Deep breath.

xoxo