Past ugliness there is beauty

Maybe I haven’t been entirely accurate. I have been honest, but have definitely omitted a lot of ugliness and pain. Jeff said that my blogs have been heartbreakingly sweet. I suppose that is true. I have chosen to look past pain, resentment and anger and focus on the humor, compassion and forgiveness that we all possess. It has been a concerted effort to stay out of the ugly areas of our lives. I lived them, I got swallowed into the depths of resentment and betrayal and I have chosen not to dwell in the darkness.

I am thirty-one years old. I have so much life left to live! I have so many things that I would like to accomplish and so many places I would like to visit. I want to make a positive stamp on this earth and live a life worth writing about. I cannot live a beautiful life if I am bogged down by the past. The past is my past and I chose to accept my decisions and let go of regret. All roads have led to this moment, and while I am not quite sure the trajectory, I am confident that over the horizon there is beauty.

Jeff also mentioned that it sounds like I still love him. That is true. I do. He was my first love and will always hold a uniquely special place in my heart. He is the father of my children and will always be a part of my soul. The heart is capable of infinite love. I love him for the passion and commitment that we once shared, but I am also realistic enough to know that love can change its shape. Love can morph into different forms. But, ultimately, love is love.

I write because it helps me gain perspective. I can look at the world more objectively and have time to listen to my voice. I can remain honest and true to myself in the most calculated of ways. It’s not brave. I feel so far from brave. Writing simply gives me an added level of control to my world- reality on my own terms.

Perhaps I am simply a coward. Either way, I prefer to be happy and enjoy the rollercoaster of life.

 

xoxo

P.S. I am getting the Celebrate tattoo. I think we could all use the reminder to celebrate our lives just a little bit more.