A Letter to You

Dear Jeff,

I have loved you for 10 years. God knows we have been through our fair share of shit. The ups and downs, the really good and the really awful. I feel like you are all I have ever known. I have never dated anyone else, really. I am so thankful that we took this step back in our marriage. It's awful. It's painful. It's emotional. It's sad. It's so, so many things, but we could have never grown as individuals without this separation. I finally found a passion in writing, and lord knows it’s the only thing that gets me through some days. I have finally started counseling, something that I should have done years ago. I have learned that somehow through all this muck and mire that we still love each other- which I think for a while there we were both pretty uncertain of.

I don't know where we go from here, but I know that wherever it is, it's a more beautiful and honest place than where we came from. I know that if we find our way back to each other that we owe it to ourselves and our family to make it amazing. I want us to have each other’s back. I want us to feel safe and secure and happy. I want us to have fun together and look forward to seeing each other at night. I want passion and romance.

I need commitment; a deep commitment to both ourselves and our relationship. I want to be that couple that is best friends and partners in crime. I want to be silly and goofy and make each other laugh with all our inside jokes. I want other people to be envious of our connection. I want to relax and enjoy life and our children. I want to go on vacations and not take ourselves so seriously. I want to kick back at the end of the night on the patio with a beer, enjoy the stars and the company of each other. I want to put the pain and anger and resentment behind us. All we can do is start over. Make a new beginning, the way we want to be.

I want us to be confident in the fact that we love the family that we have created and marvel in our Family Four. I want holidays together (even if I do have to decorate and drink all the milk and eat all the cookies so you and Ella can believe that Santa was here). I want to take the kids to Disney World when Ben is in kindergarten, like we had planned. I want to travel to Spain and eat tapas and drink sangria late into the evening. I want to spend our 10th anniversary touring Italy and Greece and marvel in the wonders of the world. I don't want to argue about drinking. I don't want to argue. I want to enjoy our lives and have thoughtful discussions using kind words. I want us to put each other first- always.

I know I have so many wants and desires, but we deserve them. We owe it to ourselves to be happy and enjoy our time. I know you want the same things. We may have gotten all screwed up and done shitty things to each other, but are we worth the chance (and huge leap of faith) to put ourselves back together?

It's scary. Really scary. We have been down this road before. We have so much pain that we have to release. Is our love strong enough to start over? Can we both fully commit to one another and the life that we both want? I hope so. I hope we can find our way back. I am so scared, but maybe, if you hold my hand, we can take the first step together.

Love, Meagan

Jeff's reply: It'll all be ok.

Me: That's my line.

Jeff: Our line now.

Me: I wish our line was "we are going on vacation" or "no problem we are millionaires".

Jeff: That'd be awesome.