Divorce: Breakthrough

Jeff heard me. He listened to what I had to say and heard me. I am pretty sure that I have been blabbing/yelling/lecturing this man for the last 10 years and will confidently admit that he may have listened to 10%. No one likes being yelled at. No one likes to be on the receiving end of a lecture. I get that. But, it never stopped me! And the passive-aggressive behavior I found in return was nothing short of complete shut down mode. This was his default setting. Much like a robot with an "off" switch, a psychological fetal position, if you will.  Maybe he just went to a happy place where his wife wasn't a lecturing crazy person...who knows what goes on inside his head. But- I knew he wasn't listening.

Last night we had a breakthrough. Old cycles began to emerge. Very old, deep seeded cycles. Thankfully, I can recognize them more easily now and even more thankfully, I don't have to put up with them. Jeff and I have grown a lot in the last couple months and in my growth, I have (finally) come to recognize patterns of unhealthy behavior. 

Last night I still may have yelled, I may have unknowingly shed a tear or two, I may have even resorted to smashing a burger between my hands in effort not to throw it across the room in utter frustration. At one point, Jeff even asked if I had been drinking (I was stone cold sober). I had just had it. I was tired of the cycles, tired of the misplaced blame and anger. I would not be responsible for another person's actions any longer...so I went to bed. Angry and completely frustrated I went to sleep. 

Eight hours later, I wake up to my beautiful babies and enjoy my coffee while watching them sing along to Dora. Then the most amazing and utterly confounding thing happened...I received an apology. I found myself on the receiving end of a heartfelt and serious apology. Not one of those flippant, I am sorry, I will try harder kind of apologies. A real one. He had not only heard my words from last night, he listened. He became aware of the cycle of behavior. I know this may all seem so trivial, but it isn't. We have not had this kind of honest communication is some while- maybe ever. I felt it truly was a breakthrough. I stood my ground, I have nothing to lose anymore. We are lost. We are simply trying to find our footing as individuals again. 

I am so proud of myself. I am so proud of  him. Hell, I am proud of both of us for working through something. Both of us are Capricorns, stubborn hooved animals on a mountain top vying for superiority. We are not ones to backdown, compromise or admit fault. We don't like to lose and we fight to the death. Sounds like a joyous marriage partner, doesn't it? Oh, well. I am still proud of our individual growth and commitment to work on our family. After all, family comes first, right? 

xoxo