Saying Goodbye

I think that the most painful part of this whole crazy situation is that I feel like I am losing a best friend. I feel like when you were a senior in high school and all your friends were signing your yearbooks, reminiscing, leaving final farewells before we all head off in separate directions. Only we aren’t going to college…it’s not quite that exciting, but it is a precipice all the same.  The fear of the unknown is still there, the feeling like you really need to enjoy and hold onto the recollections of those years before they become nothing more than a distant memory. This is the last time that all four of us will live together under one roof. The last time we will all wake up together and make purple pancakes as a family. The last time we will go to sleep in the same bed while watching “our shows” together.

I guess that is why some people like to pick fights before they leave. It must be easier to walk away clutching to anger without all those pesky tears and heartache. Of course, the anger fades and you are still left facing the pain, merely postponing the inevitable. At some point the anger will dissipate, much like the pain of childbirth, and you are left with cloudy memories, some good, some bad, but cloudy nonetheless. Time will pass and new memories will be made. At this point the kids are probably too young to have any clear memories. Ella may have some here and there, but Ben will have no idea what life was ever like before the divorce. I am not sure if that is good or bad. Part of me is glad that he has no idea what is going on, but the other part wishes he knew what it was like to wake up together.

Selfishly, I want them to know what it’s like to take a family trip to Disney World or a road trip to the Grand Canyon. I want to have someone by my side to watch the kids grow up and learn to explore the world.  I want a partner who is just as much in awe of these two little creations. There will be no shortage of love in our new family unit. Jeff and I are determined to revel in the joys of our children. We have made promises to never speak poorly of the other parent and always work as a unit when it comes to the welfare of the kids. Our situation doesn’t have room for negativity, anger or hatred. We are responsible for bringing two little beings into this world and we owe them all that life has to offer.

That being said, even after all the anger, all the fights, all the mean words and the mistrust, I still feel like I am saying goodbye as the summer comes to an end. Do you take the pictures with you to decorate your new dorm room? Do you put them in a box and leave them in the attic? Do you just start over new, reinventing yourself and shortening your name? I don’t know.

xoxo