Sweet Dreams are Made of These

I know I have joked about it before, I think I even posted a status update about it. Something like, “That irrational feeling you get after your spouse betrays you in your dreams and you wake up wanting to punch him in the face. That’s me. This morning.”  I would say my brain conjures up these awful dreams (this is as close to a nightmare as my subconscious can create) about two or three times a year. Last week I had another one. I have been battling mild anxiety for the last couple weeks. (Jeff says that I am not doing so well with the battle- but, believe me, I will win this war!) After another dream, I warned Jeff that I was irrationally pissed at him. His shoulders sagged as he let out an audible sigh. I was (admittedly) pretty cold to him that morning. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand how a dream can make me so livid, so hurt and so withdrawn…of course, I wrote him an email:

Love,
I don't have these dreams to make you feel guilty or to have an excuse to pick on you. I don't know why I have these dreams. Maybe it's like PTSD or something....except that I had them fairly regularly before we separated. It's awful. I wake up at crazy hours in the night after what seems like the longest, most realistic dream ever and I am enraged. It is dark. You are snoring next to me. There is silence and I have time to think; lots of time to replay the dream and analyze all the details. I have time to rile up my anger, frustration and sadness. I can't go back to sleep. I am too hurt by the you in my dream, compounded with the truth of our lives and my rage simmers into a slow boil until the morning.
I let you know that my demeanor is irrational, I am aware that my dream is not our current reality. I am also aware that I just spent the better part of the night overthinking and overanalyzing my already vulnerable mind. My subconscious is still reeling and it is manifesting my healing wounds in some fucked up, traitorous dreams.
I don't want to explain to you what happens in my dreams. I don't want to relive them again. I don't want to see the disappointment and shame on your face when I tell you what my subconscious has thrown at me. It's bad enough that I deal with the consequences, I don't want you to feel guilty for the fictional things my mind dreams up in the depths of my nightmares.  I just want you to hold me. I want you to say that you are sorry that I had an awful dream, but that you are here. I want you to reassure me that you are not going anywhere. Tell me that you love me and always will. It's that simple. 

 

I am sorry to throw this on top of your pile. I didn't like the way things went before you left for work this morning. You are so strong and I am so very proud of you for working as hard as you do at your job and with our family. Thank you for all the support and kindness. Thank you for dealing with all the craziness at work every day and still keeping our family a priority. Thank you for handling your life with as much grace as possible in the face of all the shit we have gone through. I appreciate you and I love you.

Xoxo, Me

His reply: I love you.

Yep. Brevity is the soul of wit, right?