December 13th: Annie: Cancer sucks

It's amazing what 365 days brings.  As I sit here, looking at myself in the mirror, with hair that is barely an inch long, with so much grey, I remember exactly what I was doing a year ago on October 8th.  Our poor Belle was refusing to eat, and she hadn't for about 3 weeks by that point.  Cancer had infiltrated her little doggie body, and we made the decision that it was time for her to be at peace, and to run and play with Emily and Prince and Dixie and Sadie across the Rainbow Bridge.  And then our phone rings.  And just like that, I'm a member of the club. "I am strong!  I can do this!"

Once I had my diagnosis, and after I freaked out, all I wanted to do was get it removed.  And I was willing to just find the first doctor to remove it and reconstruct my boobies.  Thankfully I had a strong support system that brought me down to earth and helped me to see things clearly.  I have a friend who gave us some GREAT advice on what to ask and what to expect and what to question.  She helped us find the BEST breast surgeon and plastic surgeon in the world.  I tell EVERYONE I know who my doctors are.  "I am strong!  I can do this!"

In looking back, it seemed that everything moved so slowly.  And yet, here I sit, 1 year later, and it’s almost behind me.  It seemed like it took FOREVER to find my breast surgeon and plastic surgeon.  And it seemed that every step we made forward there were two steps back.  Until, all of a sudden, it was surgery day.  After my mastectomy surgery, I remember thinking, "Shit, if this is all I have to go through, I can handle it."  Then my breast surgeon says there were 3 tumors, 10 lymph nodes were taken and 2 were positive.  Ugh, THIS SHIT JUST GOT REAL!!!  But that aside, my recovery from that surgery was a heck of a lot better than I thought it would.  "I am strong!  I can do this!"

Middle of December, we meet with my prospective Oncologist.  Super cool and funny guy.  Is it funny that I just said that?  Little did we know that we'd REALLY get to know him cause I'd be starting chemotherapy in January.  BOING?!?!?  UH, WHATTTTTT?!?!?!?!  Then it is scan after scan after scan, then surgery to put my port in, then doctor's visit, after doctor's visit.  "I am strong!  I can do this!"

Chemotherapy was NOTHING like I thought it would be.  I mean, I had no real expectation for it.  I tried putting on a happy face for people, so they wouldn't worry, and to be honest, most of the time I was ok.  I'd go in on Thursday, crash on Friday at exactly 2:00 p.m., and then be down for the count the rest of the weekend.  I'd have one week where I felt I could handle whatever had been thrown at me.  But, there towards the end, I realized just how fucked up chemotherapy is.  All of the side effects they said I would have, I had.  The tiredness, the changing taste buds, the nausea, the lack of appetite, the weight loss, the heartburn, the neuropathy, the hair loss and anything else you can think of.  Ha, the hair loss.  I think losing my nose hair was the funniest hair to lose.  I think the funnest part of the chemo was the shaving my head part.  Yea, that’s right, I said “funnest part of chemo.”  It was neat to have some friends around when I shaved it off.  And one of them even had his head shaved the same day as well, in solidarity. Thank you Clyde! "I am strong!  I can do this!"

After chemo came radiation.  Now, radiation, was NOTHING compared to chemo.  Yea, my skin was burned by the gamma rays (think Incredible Hulk, just not green, but black), but I could at least function while undergoing radiation.  That same can't be said for chemo.  But I get it, chemo was necessary.

Talk about something that can really test you as a person.  I'm sure the Hubby has a different story to tell about how I handled things.  But together, we've conquered this thing called Breast Cancer.

What a whirlwind it's been.  The things I've done and the people we've come to know and the support we've had have been truly unbelievable.  The friends I've gained over this whole process just take my breath away.  There have been many tears and uncertainty, to be sure.  I still believe that everything happens for a reason.  I’m still not quite sure why I was chosen to be a torch carrier for Breast Cancer.  But I am.  And just as I had so much support to see me through the hard times, I will be there for anyone else who has to live through this shit.  Fighting the fight until some day, we find a cure.