Memoirs of A Modern Mom: December 28th: Kelly: The Joyous Challenge

My greatest challenge, my greatest joy.

As I reflect on my life I tend to only recall the joys, the triumphs, the love, the joy---not the pain, challenge, anger and loss. I glean from the challenges what I need to be a stronger, better person but once I have passed the challenge and learned the lesson I tend to just remember the lesson, the joy, the triumph. However there is a time to share the challenges so that maybe the pain, or anger, or loss, or trial we endured is all worth it. No challenge is worth fighting through if, at the end, we are not better for it AND willing to share it. Why share it? Maybe, just maybe someone else will get pulled up from the pits of despair, encouraged in a moment of need or shown a glimmer of hope by hearing our story. That is why I always share my story, no matter how messy or beautiful it is.

Two challenges stand out to me over the past year: one, the loss of a baby conceived but never born and two, the end (and soon to be beginning again) of a battle with post partum depression.
I have two beautiful children, ages three and two, who are simply amazing. There is no other way to describe them. Sure they throw tantrums, disobey and can be as obstinate as they come, but they are still amazing. I never understood how deeply and quickly love could grow until these two littles entered my life. So, when we learned in July we would add another baby to our crazy beautiful mess of a family, we were delighted.

Due to a complication early on, we had an ultrasound much earlier than we have liked in the past and discovered there was a stow away---twins which we affectionately nick-named Rhema and Olive. I tried not to get too excited over the idea of the two little lives God entrusted with us because I knew we were at great risk to lose one or both. The couple of people who knew encouraged me to accept the reality and get excited about it. Finally around 11 weeks I could not stand it---I was excited.

Excitement soon turned to sorrow only a week later we discovered one was gone. We had lost a baby. Although, I could have gotten worse news that gloomy day it was still heartbreaking to learn we lost our baby—the baby whose heartbeat we fell in love with. Only Rhema, our special survivor, was in there. Olive was gone. I will never forget the one we lost. And in retrospect, I will never forget how easily my heart falls in love. I loved that tiny baby so much and it hurt so badly to lose it. I never knew I could feel such grief over someone I never met; I was blindsided by the intense waves of grief. I thought I was over it and then moments later would find myself in tears. From that experience came so many opportunities to teach my daughter about Heaven and how we will meet Olive there one day (I wish I could tell that story here because it might be the greatest story ever).

Through this my precious husband and I grew even closer. Through this I learned to trust God even more with the remainder of the pregnancy. Through this I gained a unique perspective in which to help other women going thru similar experiences (and as God usually does, he has provided many opportunities to help other women ALREADY). Many people said “I wish you had never known it was twins”. I don’t. I find great joy in every conversation about losing Olive. Not only is it a chance to remember (and celebrate) the short life it is a chance to maybe, just maybe help someone else. This challenge, even though it is still fresh, is already a joy.

All in the same moment we jumped for joy over discovering we were pregnant again, the dread of impending postpartum depression (PPD) set in. I struggled so deeply with PPD after my first two pregnancies that it is almost a certainty the third go round.

People are so afraid to talk about this and it is because of fear—I get it. I knew I had PPD and yet did not seek help the first time because I was afraid I would be stuck on medication forever, I was afraid people would think I did not love my life, I was afraid people would think my marriage was falling apart, I was afraid I would seem ungrateful for my precious children and I was mostly afraid that it would define me. Well, none of those fears materialized except the last one (and I am glad the experience is a defining moment in my life now…read on). I finally sought help after our second baby when I found myself not sleeping and watching my life happen in front of me---feeling nothing except for the desire to WANT to love it. I wanted to badly to love my second baby, I wanted to badly to enjoy just being with my toddler, I wanted so desperately to enjoy my husband bonding with a son, but…I couldn’t. I wanted to love it and enjoy it but did not, not even a tiny bit. I was watching my beautiful life just pass me by.

Long story short, I realized it was a pride issue fueled by my aforementioned fears. I had to get over myself and do what was best for my family even if it meant judgment or medication for the rest of my life. My family meant more to me than the pride of “I got through it without help” or even the temptation to hide that it ever happened. So…I got on Zoloft and it was amazing. I have no regrets. And……after a year of taking it, (stopped November 2012) I ended it with no issues and enjoyed my family immensely this year….PPD and medication free.

And yet again, God has brought struggling women into my life, almost by storm, experiencing PPD symptoms and allowed me the joyous opportunity to walk through it with them. I can walk with them having the confidence that they will come out the other side victorious. I find great joy in walking through the experience with others because maybe, just maybe they will find encouragement from my story.

As we entered our third pregnancy this year, I had to stop my fear of PPD by reflecting on the victory we already have! Fear will not impede the joy of this pregnancy. One thing is certain, we will find ourselves experiencing joy at the end of the day….because my greatest challenges are also my greatest joys.