The hardest part of writing this blog is trying to narrow
down this year because A LOT has happened.
To tell you would mean to give you back stories because I don’t want to
just casually say this and that. I want to give you the honest truth as Meagan
has so eloquently given us this year (Thank you). So, here is a look into some of what happened.
If you’re into Numerology 2013 is my 9th year,
which means:
“This is a year to let go of things
that do not work for you. It is considered a year of Completions and Endings.
You must relax and do not try to control things in your life. Let them go or
they will be taken from you as your soul, the universe cleans house for the
next cycle in your life. This can be a very difficult year, particularly if you
do not like change. The more you pursue things, the more they will elude you.
Relationships end. Nothing that begins in your 9 year will remain. It is a time
to plan and seek out new jobs, relocations and more. There can be many learning
lesson in the 9 year, or you can plan for it and coast right through.”
This couldn’t be more true.
2013 has been like squeezing a lemon in an open wound while your
favorite song plays in the background.
The year started out better then expected or so it
seemed. I began performing at the Dallas
Comedy House in an all ladies troupe, something I NEVER saw myself doing. Clifton proposed to me just about a week
before I turned the big 30. It was
better than anything I could have ever hoped for or imagined, I still get giddy
thinking about it.
Even though things were going great in a lot of areas, I was
falling apart in others. My confidence
was broken, I was struggling with depression, I didn’t feel like me, I was
going through the motions.
I decided to go back to therapy. I had been before but only briefly. The great thing about therapy is you learn a
lot about yourself. The not so great
thing about therapy, you learn a lot about yourself. It’s not always easy and it most likely means
you have to work to change, but if you’re willing to do it, the destination is
so worth the struggled journey.
Before my first session I remember thinking “what am I going
to say?” “I’m not even sure what is
wrong with me or why I’m here.” “My life
isn’t terrible, I’m pretty lucky. So
what’s wrong with me?” Well somewhere
between that conversation in my head and the moment I sat down I figured it out
because I had plenty to say and my eyes had plenty of tears.
I honestly couldn’t’ tell you what I said in that first
session or hell the ones to follow but I will tell you what I learned about
myself.
Acceptance. I wouldn’t say this is a personal
strength. Do I think I’m accepting
things, yes. Am I actually accepting
things, no. Clifton is a bar manager at
Dallas Comedy House, he also does improv, stand-up and anything and everything
in between. This means our schedules are
nearly opposite. He’s at home during the
day (for the most part) while I’m at the office. I come home and want to chill (most of the
time) and he’s either walking out the door to work, perform or itching to get
out of the house. Opposite. I’m not sure if it’s a vision I had in my
head or societal norms of working 9-5 and free weekends but it took me a while
to accept that this was my life. Don’t
get me wrong I don’t want to change it I just wasn’t accepting it, I was
fighting it and in turn I was fighting with Clifton about it.
Numero uno. It seems the reason I was fighting so much
and so hard is because I felt second in Clifton’s life. I have for a long time now and probably still
do slightly feel that he chooses improv, or comedy for that matter, over
me. He does not. However, now that he has decided to pursue
this as a career I have learned that I need to share my number one status with
comedy. This is something I’m still
working on, but I get it and I support this career choice. He’s amazingly talented and I will do
whatever I can to help him succeed.
Dropping Shoes. I am always waiting for the shoe to
drop. Always. I’m waiting for the day when Clifton says
“I’m out!” I’m waiting for the phone to
ring to bring some awful news. I think
this has to do with abandonment issues.
My parents are divorced, they separated when I was 12. I had just come home from a nice long summer
vacation in Virginia with my Aunt and Uncle and the first thing I was told was
that we were moving out with our mother.
Huh? Wait, what did I miss? While I was off riding horses, meeting the
Smucker sisters and having one of the best summers I can remember, my life at
home was falling apart. A year later we
moved in with my dad and from there I seemed to have lost my mother in a lot of
ways during some critical girly growing up moments. This probably ties into the next eye opening
thing.
Trust. I don’t trust easily. This was actually a surprise to me. I thought I was a very trusting person. I also thought I was an open book. I am neither.
Most of the time people have no clue what I am thinking, what my facial
expressions mean and who I really am.
That’s probably because my face is expressing something completely
different then what I am thinking because there are usually a minimum of 13
thoughts in my head at a time and I don’t have that many faces.
Son of a *%$#!. Apparently I’m angry. Anger is the one emotion I don’t seem to
vocalize often, Clifton will probably tell you a different story. I will internalize anger and that will turn
into depression. REVELATION! Clifton’s therapist opened my eyes to this
one. She told me that I should use my
anger to fuel myself instead of becoming depressed. Yes!
Anger does actually fuel me.
However, like everything there is a fine line. I don’t want to be an angry person so I need
to learn to let the anger fuel me but not consume me.
Play. I don’t know how to play, have fun, just
plain relax. Perhaps it’s the fact that
I had to grow up fast. I mean in a lot
of ways I helped raise my little sister.
I had a job when I was 11 years old.
To this day, I don’t know how to relax and just have fun! I’m constantly thinking of what needs to be
done today, tomorrow, next week. It
never ends. I have ruined many a
wonderful evenings being consumed by thoughts of things that “needed” to be
done. Nothing NEEDS to be done. Ever.
Unless you are saving someone’s life or about to cut the blue or red
wire it doesn’t NEED to be done right then.
I began therapy to work on my confidence and I came out with
a whole lot more, talk about a bang for your buck. Um, wait.
Anyways, here is an update.
My confidence is back, which helped to clear up some of the above
issues. I’m continuing to work on most
of the other discoveries such as anger, learning to play and letting the shoe
drop. I am currently not in therapy, I
sorta graduated it, or that’s what I tell people. I’m welcome back anytime I feel it’s needed. That’s comforting.
In between this journey of self-discovery there have been
some solid, purely amazing moments and that’s the best lesson of all. Life is about moments. Here’s a peek at some of my favorites:
We adopted this adorable little guy who has stolen my heart
and I have yet to find and regain control.
I never thought I would own a dog and I blame Etta for turning me into a
softie but I’m so grateful to have two wonderfully amazing little critters who
I couldn’t imagine life without.
I got engaged! It
was everything and more then I would have ever hoped for. I’m the luckiest girl in the world to get to
travel through life with this man by my side.
Richard Rope will always have a special place in my heart and
I cherish every moment I have spent with these beautiful talented women.
I official became an aunt to this beautiful baby girl, Layla
Leah Myers, who I get to meet in less then a week!
Many a nights spent drinking, laughing, conversating and the
occasional dance-off with some wonderful friends.
So since this was my ninth year, that means 2014 is my 1st
year. Year one is new beginnings and will
set the tone for the next nine year cycle.
Cheers to that and me not fucking it up!
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