December 7th: Keely: Split Screen

Being asked to be a guest blogger is intimidating.  I fit the “guest” description but not so much the “blogger”.  I was tempted when Meagan first posted that she was looking for entries but I hung back a bit.  When asked directly I caved and quickly regretted it when I realized it was themed.  I felt like I had nothing to offer for a “This Year” style project.  I am a stay at home mom, so no work drama or professional accomplishments here. 

 

I have two children that I find completely delightful and entertaining but neither were born this year.  We have had personal excitements but nothing that seemed to have staying power as far as stories to tell strangers.  Maybe I could have pumped out a funny and enjoyable blog about our Pre-K adventures when the year first started, but looking back I think it was run of the mill.  It was our mill, us running it, but I felt like the excitement probably died once you left our primary circle of friends and family.  I have a tendency to get over anxious about my inability to entertain or comfort.  I want to have a blog that makes people laugh or that they can come to for advice from the chick who clearly has her shit together.  Or maybe be so raw and satirical that they can relate to the subject and enjoy the wit.  Yeah, that’s what I want.  That is what exists in my head. 

 

The problem is that the concept exists, not the content.  That is probably true for everyone, we are all damn funny and insightful with tons of answers and even better questions within our imaginations.  Turning it into bloggy good fun is the hard part.  Hell, I’m a writer with publishing potential who could be invited onto Ellen if we are going straight off of imaginary potential.  It was in this overly thought out struggle to be interesting that I found my subject. 

I am a mother of two, a firefighter’s wife and the daughter of a brilliant but hard to impress mother and a emotional whirlwind of a father.  I am a flailing room mom, and a  daughter-in-law who is nice enough but not Mormon enough.  I am all of these things but I am incapable of finding a description for myself that isn’t prefaced by someone else’s identity.

 

My oldest daughter is hilarious and stories about her capture more attention on Facebook than anything I could ever say about myself.   My little one is not really talking yet but she doesn’t have to.  Something about being a teeny tiny dimpled red-head gets you an instant and devoted fan base. They are amazing and I am their Mother. My husband is phenomenal.  He is a hero to us and to any one who lives in his district, not to mention every elementary aged child in the history of ever.  He works hard, always goes the extra mile, and then comes home and goes a few hundred miles more.  He adores our girls and myself and we return the feelings exponentially.  He is funny, kind, patient, and confident and I am his wife.  My parents are hard to impress but no worries, they seem to give me a pass.  Ok, so maybe a touch of resentment there. 

 

They have always known that I tend toward depression so they are careful with me.  It is appreciated and I know they love me, but I struggle with feeling like they are proud.  I never doubt their support but I am starving for their respect.  They are successful and amazing and I am their daughter who is trying her best.  My In-laws.  They really are something.  I will admit to having a very hard time with my Mother-in-law in the beginning.  I wasn’t what they had always imagined.  They are a family devoted to one another and to their faith.  It is beautiful and admirable and scary as all get out.  Not the religion, just the thought of trying to be a part of this amazing set of people while still staying myself.  They love my husband to the moon and back and while they have grown to love me, I am not what they pictured.  Do they think of him as lost?  If so, am I the one responsible?  If I lead him astray it was not intentionally, I don’t even own a Sheppard’s staff (cane?  Does it have a name?  Hmm I needed the imagery but I sure can’t back it up.  Oh well, I’m owning it). I am definitely not the leader of this flock.  They are 100% devoted to their son and their faith and I am their daughter in law.

 This has been my struggle this year.  If I had to pick one thing that is actually about me, not my feelings on issues or what is going on in my family, it would be this: I battle depression and it has been rough freaking year.  But that isn’t ok.  It isn’t ok that the only thing I have going on in my life that is about me is so awful.  I’m surrounded by perfection.  People seem to look at you strange when everything in your life is so amazing but then you say you “feel sad”.  I guess I am learning that the two are not mutually exclusive.  You absolutely can be happy with your life and those around you but still feel lost with in yourself.  Having a happy life does not mean you have lost the right to feel what you feel.

 

I don’t say that resentfully, my only resentment is toward myself.  My compliments on my family’s perfection is genuine.  It isn’t that I don’t want them to flourish or that I feel like they are holding me back.  It is that they are spectacular and supportive and loving and I just can’t keep up.  I can accept their awesomeness but can’t pay it forward.  I don’t mind playing the supporting role in life, but I need to feel like my own person on the inside.  Does that make sense?  Maybe not.  I made the mistake of venting this to a family member.  I think she was taken aback.  I think she thought I meant I was unhappy with my lot in life.  But that is the hard part.  I’m not.  I’m happy and appreciative and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.  So why do I feel like I would trade myself?  And if so much of myself is defined by other people, and these other people are so special and worthy, shouldn’t I see my self as all of those things?  If they are the definition of me, shouldn’t an amazing awesome lot of people be the definition of an awesome self?  

So that is it.  That is what I offer to this project.  I would like to note that most of these feelings have been resolved.  This was a reflective post for me about a year that was hard and confusing as hell, but that is ending pretty well.  I’m still a little lost.  I’m still a little overwhelmed with happiness in life and under whelmed with my personal part in it.  These feelings don’t just disappear over night but they have a funny way of reappearing that fast when you do make progress.  That is ok.  For now that is me, depressed but working though and seeing the light.  That is my definition. It is my own and prefaced by no one else.