December 6th: Javi: Of Girls and "Friends"

I don’t know how I haven’t lost faith in my romantic life being any kind of success. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m a romantic and when I see my friends happy with other people, I recall what that can be like even though I’ve been supremely happy with a total of two people in my lifetime and only one of them was considered my girlfriend. Maybe I’m a little too into How I Met Your Mother.

In any case, 2013 wasn’t my year. Short of the years I spent getting over someone, there was little to look back on and reminisce.

I used to think timing was my problem. With one girl I’ve known for a while and whom I’m really in to, that’s exactly the issue (along with distance, but that’s much easier to overcome than timing). But now my biggest problem when it comes to trying to date is something else I can’t control: a sudden change from passion to ambiguity.

This had actually happened to me before 2013. I don’t remember the exact time or the exact year, just the location. I was living in El Paso. With the first girl, we had a funny “meet cute.” She was a dental assistant and she cleaned my teeth when I went to the dentist. It’s a tough climb for someone to go from seeing you as a patient with your mouth clamped open to someone you’d give your number to. But somehow I pulled it off. The dentist was busy with another patient and I took advantage, getting to know her. By the time I was done, I got her number.

The best part was that when I met her, she was in scrubs, not wearing much makeup and her hair was pulled back tight. She wasn’t trying to look good. When we set up a date, she walked into the restaurant and I was stunned. She looked beautiful and I thought to myself: “Karma. Jackpot.” The date was amazing. We stayed at the restaurant until they forced us to leave. They literally turned on all the lights and started vacuuming to send us the hint. We moved to a bar where we shared in our hatred for the Lakers and our love of Disney and other great animated movies. We went back to my place and watched one. I drove her back to her car at the restaurant at something like 3 am…

 And then we never went out again. Our paths only crossed a couple of times after that, when I would see her at Target, where she would work a few days a week. Eventually she disappeared.

 Later, I was introduced to a bartender. She actually supposedly had a crush on my friend, but he wasn’t interested and he introduced her to me. It’s one of the few times I felt like I was seeing someone who was totally out of my league. She had model good-looks and was a bit nerdy as well. When we went to dinner, the more I learned about her, the more she seemed too good to be true. On top of our common interests, she was consuming more beer from the pitcher we ordered and even suggested we order another pizza. The next day, I was literally in the middle of texting her during a break from work when I received a text from her saying what a great time she had…

And then I never saw her again. In fact, I never even heard from her again.

This year, it happened again. I met a girl at a University of Texas alumni event here in San Antonio. We clicked. We stayed way passed when the event ended. Then we went to a karaoke bar where we didn’t just sing, but we danced. One lady at the bar commented on what a cute couple we were. She was shocked to hear that we’d just met a few hours before. It took a while to say goodbye in the parking lot…

And then I never saw her again. Sensing a pattern here?

There were some faint promises of future communication. We’d have some text exchanges, but she’d disappear when trying to make hard plans to see each other again. Eventually, you just give up on someone when they stop responding.

 What on Earth can you possibly learn from that? You try to look at things that disappoint you as learning experiences so you can take something from them that make you a better and/or smarter person. But the worst thing about these sudden shifts with females is that the only thing it teaches you is to abandon all or at least some hope with the next person you meet. As a result, it flips your perspective.

 “Wow, that was an epic first date… I’ll probably never see her again.”
“That date? It was meh… Actually… we might have something here…”

 It’s easy to see why some people sour on relationships, dating, or just trying to find someone. I’m only 30. I keep telling myself that I have lots of time. People keep telling me that I have lots of time. I can only hope that something happens before I stop believing that I still have lots of time.

 I was worried the pattern would continue with a girl I met a couple of weeks ago. I stopped in to see a bartender friend for happy hour. She encouraged people to visit her because it’s sometimes slow and she’s almost always working so her social time is extremely limited. But on this night there was a private event going on at her bar section of the restaurant. She let me stay even though they weren’t letting anyone else in. It got busy really quickly.

 I was finishing off what I thought would be my last drink when a very pretty girl asked if the seat, which was so close to me it kept others from taking it, was open. I told her it was. She stood out, just like me. There was a young business group meeting there and we were both underdressed. We got to talking and immediately clicked. (I’m using that word often, but there’s no better way to describe that rare connection you get from someone you’re romantically interested in.)

 It was crowded and loud so we went to a quieter bar that was more chill. We listened to music, talked movies and shows, played pool and had a lot of drinks. Again, another late night and a nice goodbye had me thinking that there was something here.

 I knew she was busy, but I still had my doubts about this going anywhere. Because, again, my perspective has been skewed by the past. This seemed to be the case because I was getting short and extremely delayed responses when I reached out to her. What set her apart was that she was quite warm when she did respond. She loves classic movies and we’re supposed to have a TCM night where we watch a couple of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movies this week. The plans are soft because she says she may cancel if she gets busy out of the blue, but she seems excited, so I’m remaining optimistic.

 At this point, she’s way more enthusiastic about seeing me than some people that I consider friends. It’s hard making new friends. And worse than unsuccessfully trying to make friends with someone is thinking that you’re friends with someone only to have them rarely respond to calls or texts, which can be followed by disappointing social media observances.

 “Oh hey, they literally came across town to right next to where I live and didn’t let me know.”

 “Oh hey, they ALL got together to go out and posted the pictures on Facebook while I was relaxing at home when I gladly would have joined them if I’d gotten a call.”

 Then you start noticing that a couple of your friends only ever invite you over to their work and not any other time. Suddenly, you get less invested in those people and they just sort of fade away.

 All of that just makes you appreciate the loyal friends that you have. The ones that always hit you back up. The ones that always let you know that you’re in town. The ones that always think of you when they want to go out or do something special. The ones that actually reach out to you as much or possibly more than you reach out to them.

 The only thing that kind of sucks is that you start worrying if you’re leaning on your loyal friends too much. There’s that worry you have in your head that they’re thinking to themselves, “Jesus, twice in a week? I’m starting to get sick of this guy. Doesn’t he have any other friends or something better to do?”

 It’s good to be considerate, but those kinds of negative thoughts are how bad friends can affect your mentality. Then I remember that those kinds of friends don’t get sick of you unless you start overstepping your bounds or acting like a bad friend. Great friends help you when you need it and, even when you know they’re busy, they make time for you because they know you need it. No matter how strong, awkward, or rocky your history may be, they’re there for you. And in that case, all that matters is effort.

 That’s why the holidays are so great. During this time of year, you and your friends feel like reaching out more. You get to hear more from them and connect as often as you wish you could all year. Sometimes even those friends that disappoint you step up a little.

 

And that’s what I love about this time of year. Maybe I’ll even get to spend some time this season with someone special. Odds are that I’ll never see her again, but it’s the holidays, so hope springs eternal among the Christmas cheer. I have a feeling that 2014 is going to be much better than 2013. After all, it’s not like this year set the highest bar.