Life After Love

After a major breech in trust and a broken heart, finding your footing again can be pretty difficult. Perhaps “difficult” isn’t the most accurate word. Maybe I should say: challenging, trying, daunting, frustrating, or emotionally fucking hard…maybe a combination of those. I am finding that it is more difficult to feel self-confident. I didn’t have a huge self-confidence problem before, just the normal, “I would like to lose some weight, I wish my hair could do that beachy wave thing, did that comment sound as awkward as I thought, this new position isn’t highlighting my best assets at all” kind of self-confidence issues.

But, now I am afraid I am going to ruin any chance for a relationship with my new found insecurity issues. I find it difficult to trust, difficult not to overanalyze, difficult not to overthink. I now assume all people are lying and that I am being made fun of behind my back. I know, it sounds awful. It’s like my brain just goes immediately to this terrible place full of worst case scenarios. I assume that with time and continued therapy, I will be able to slowly work through these issues. Oh, god, I hope so. I cannot let these thoughts follow me into new relationships or seep into friendships and relationships that I already have.

I find myself needing constant reassurance and this protective coddling that I didn’t really need before. I. NEED. REASURRANCE. Please. I am feeling vulnerable and naked, like I am out on stage without knowing any of the lines or the choreography. This is foreign territory, I am me but more fragile. I need a hug.

In general, though, I feel pretty happy with myself. In the past couple months; oddly, I have even become even happier with myself! I have found a passion, strength in my friendships, a centered at peace feeling with whom I am and what I want from this crazy life. I have set boundaries and goals and will not settle for anything less. I have put my happiness first and as the whole Oxygen Mask Theory states, “please place your mask on first before assisting those around you”.

So, my life has become a conundrum. Happier and more fragile, more focused and less confident, stronger and yet in need of more reassurance. I feel kind of bipolar. Two steps forward, one step back. I just hope that while I am working through all the crazy shit that I don’t screw everything up in the meantime. That would be awful. I am not into self-sabotage. What am I into? Making the rest of my life, the best of my life! (yeah, I totally am on Pinterest too much)

xoxo