I’ve been thinking about 500 Days of Summer a lot lately.
If you haven’t seen it, it’s an independent film starring Joseph
Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel that uses nonlinear narrative to tell the
story of a young man’s failed relationship with a girl named Summer. It’s in turn both whimsically comedic and
darkly painful. Who hasn’t navigated the
bumpy roads of lopsided, unrequited love?
It makes me wince and laugh and cry and I like it very much.
One of the most imaginative parts of the film is
post-breakup. Tom, the protagonist, is
on his way to attend a party at Summer’s apartment. The screen splits and we see two narratives
happening at once: on one side is Tom’s expectation, and on the other is his reality. In Expectationland, Tom and Summer greet each
other warmly, chat by romantic candlelight, and rekindle their love. In reality, Tom and Summer hug awkwardly at
the door, he spends most of the evening alone, and Summer announces her engagement
to another man. It’s fascinating.
As I reflect on 2013, I see moments where expectations and
reality aligned, and where they
missed.
Professionally, I had some amazing opportunities, not only in my professorship
at a private university but in my freelance career (directing for the stage) as
well. I traveled to Scotland in March to
teach leadership workshops using Shakespeare, I directed a staged production of
Disney’s Tarzan featuring the
Nashville Symphony Orchestra and a Broadway star in October, and I’m currently
preparing for my next directing job at a local semi-professional theatre. As I started 2013, I didn’t have a single one
of these projects on the docket. I feel
very blessed.

Personally, I’ve survived the ‘terrible twos’ with my
daughter, which actually feels like a big accomplishment. I’ve continued to support friends and family
through tough situations. I’ve thrown
baby showers, birthday parties, girls’ nights, and whatnot. I’ve been doing CrossFit all year, trying to
develop my physical and mental tenacity.
I’ve bamboozled my saintly husband into staying with me another year,
which will make ten years in May. I am
so grateful; I couldn’t do any of this without him.
On many levels, though, my expectations and reality were
(and continue to be) disjointed. I want
so desperately to have stability in my life; freelance work opposes that. A career in the arts translates into pretty
big sacrifices, and I’ve felt it deeply this year. It’s hard to swallow my anxiety over the many
questions I still have in my life. This
year, more than any other, I have questioned my dreams. I mean, how can I continue pursuing this demanding
career AND be a good mother AND make a living?
As I do at this time every year, I wonder what the future holds.
Perhaps it’s time to let some expectations go and embrace
the messy, chaotic mystery of life a little more. Inflexibility just won’t serve; I have to
swim with the tide or I’ll drown. Though
reality itself is objective, my
perception of it is subjective. I
can only see through my personal lens. I
may not understand the full picture until I gain more perspective. This isn’t to say that I’ll stop
dreaming. But perhaps I can quiet the
internal battles and rest in God’s peace a little more in 2014. After all, the only person creating that darn
split screen of my life…is me.
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