Tuesday, December 3, 2013

December 3rd: Beki: Expectations v. Reality



I’ve been thinking about 500 Days of Summer a lot lately.   If you haven’t seen it, it’s an independent film starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel that uses nonlinear narrative to tell the story of a young man’s failed relationship with a girl named Summer.  It’s in turn both whimsically comedic and darkly painful.  Who hasn’t navigated the bumpy roads of lopsided, unrequited love?  It makes me wince and laugh and cry and I like it very much.

 One of the most imaginative parts of the film is post-breakup.  Tom, the protagonist, is on his way to attend a party at Summer’s apartment.  The screen splits and we see two narratives happening at once: on one side is Tom’s expectation, and on the other is his reality.  In Expectationland, Tom and Summer greet each other warmly, chat by romantic candlelight, and rekindle their love.  In reality, Tom and Summer hug awkwardly at the door, he spends most of the evening alone, and Summer announces her engagement to another man.  It’s fascinating.

 As I reflect on 2013, I see moments where expectations and reality aligned, and where they
missed.  Professionally, I had some amazing opportunities, not only in my professorship at a private university but in my freelance career (directing for the stage) as well.  I traveled to Scotland in March to teach leadership workshops using Shakespeare, I directed a staged production of Disney’s Tarzan featuring the Nashville Symphony Orchestra and a Broadway star in October, and I’m currently preparing for my next directing job at a local semi-professional theatre.  As I started 2013, I didn’t have a single one of these projects on the docket.  I feel very blessed. 

 Personally, I’ve survived the ‘terrible twos’ with my daughter, which actually feels like a big accomplishment.  I’ve continued to support friends and family through tough situations.  I’ve thrown baby showers, birthday parties, girls’ nights, and whatnot.  I’ve been doing CrossFit all year, trying to develop my physical and mental tenacity.  I’ve bamboozled my saintly husband into staying with me another year, which will make ten years in May.  I am so grateful; I couldn’t do any of this without him. 

 On many levels, though, my expectations and reality were (and continue to be) disjointed.  I want so desperately to have stability in my life; freelance work opposes that.  A career in the arts translates into pretty big sacrifices, and I’ve felt it deeply this year.  It’s hard to swallow my anxiety over the many questions I still have in my life.  This year, more than any other, I have questioned my dreams.  I mean, how can I continue pursuing this demanding career AND be a good mother AND make a living?  As I do at this time every year, I wonder what the future holds. 

 Perhaps it’s time to let some expectations go and embrace the messy, chaotic mystery of life a little more.  Inflexibility just won’t serve; I have to swim with the tide or I’ll drown.  Though reality itself is objective, my perception of it is subjective.  I can only see through my personal lens.  I may not understand the full picture until I gain more perspective.  This isn’t to say that I’ll stop dreaming.  But perhaps I can quiet the internal battles and rest in God’s peace a little more in 2014.  After all, the only person creating that darn split screen of my life…is me.
 

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