December 4th: Cameron: "Yay, Wait, What??"

Write about this year... Well that is quite a task. I feel like we as a family have had 10 years as one and come out on the other side as completely different people than as we started. As the year started out, it looked like all our dreams were coming true right before our very own eyes. Someone found the broken snow globe and glued all the pieces back together. After a year a half of trying we were pregnant with our last little miracle, we had just closed (literally at 5:01 pm on New Year's Eve) on our dream home, and we were in a really good place in our marriage... what could go wrong? Funny thing about being on top of the world is that there is only one place to go...down.

I moved into our house alone, with the help of my person Kristie and one of my husband’s cousins.(Oh did I mention the bank did not fund in time so we stayed in a hotel with all our belongings in a moving truck somewhere, that's neither here nor there.) Moved in, yay life is perfect, right? Oh, I'm alone and my husband Sean is gone. The hilarious thing about living out your dreams is it is like living with a ghost, especially when the person you made those dreams with travels constantly for work.

 So, my 30th birthday in Vegas wasn't as fun as I had planned. Fetal alcohol syndrome is frowned upon most often. I did get to spend 4 glorious days with one of my soulmate Kirsten and that I would do all over again. The year progressed with its ups and downs of spending your final

pregnancy mostly alone. I was so fearful the entire pregnancy. Fearful that I would not be able to handle three babies on my own once baby Chandler was born. It was something I prayed about constantly and hoped God would provide grace for when she was finally here. I spent the entire pregnancy deathly ill and throwing up multiple times a day. How was I having a bullemic baby?? I love food so much, Cmon Chandler get it together! So, the theme of this entire year was, "Yay, wait, what?"

In true fashion of this year's theme, I scrubbed one of the dearest and closest people to me completely out of my life. I say it that way because, in the end, that is exactly what happened. It sucks entirely when the people, the people you base your whole entire life around, grow apart from you and turn out to be the exact people they used to protect you from. I am thankful that God knows the rest of my story and guards my family and our hearts from grief. If somehow it turns up she reads this... "I will love you until the day I die and think about you almost every single day. I wish you entirely the best for you and your family and hope that God blesses you with all the happiness you deserve."

 Now, that being said, God really paved the way this year for me to find community in a way we have dreamed. The people that surround us are beyond all words. That's what God replaced; He replaced those whom should have been there for us but weren't. Thank you God good looking out. I have never known the kind of love that exists in our lives right now. Thankful doesn't even cover it. As my pregnancy rolled to a close and the moments of anxiety and sweet anticipation played on repeat in my chaotic mind, nothing could prepare me for what was to come.

The hardest thing in life is figuring out what to do when life rips the carpet right out from under you. You are given the opportunity to either react as a person with integrity or become one of those people whom others mutter, "yeah but she's been through so much" behind your back as you flip out and cry hysterically because Target is out of your organic creamer. Beginning  July 31, my head starts to hurt a little more than normal. I have had preeclampsia with all of my pregnancies, so no big deal.  I thought we escaped you this time, but thanks for showing up. We head to the hospital to get checked out, the slew of phone calls start, and I am thinking, "I will go in get cleared and come home." Nope.

My husband gets called off the job site and meets us at the hospital. We are immediately admitted. The doctor on call wants to monitor my blood pressure, which keeps reading normal.  We order every test we can, really trying to see how much my insurance will cover. Shark week starts, its Sunday, the Dr of internal medicine comes in and says, "You had a stroke." Oh cool. Wait, What? Sean and I are both in shock, trying to comprehend what the doctor just told us. We both kinda thought I was milking the headache for a few days rest. So then, the neurologist comes in and says "you had a stroke but it was a long time ago or it could have been severe brain trauma." She then says, "Im so sick of all these bored housewives with headaches" and leaves. Super great to meet you Dr. Hughes you are welcome to never come back in my room.

The final answer: I had a stroke and it was recent. If not recent, there would have been significant scar tissue. So, Dr. Barrington comes in to save the day, man I LOVE MY OBGYN! "Stroke Schmoke that's go get that baby." You get to stay RDB. We were blessed with a gorgeous, perfect, entirely precious baby girl.

Chandler Barrett was born way early on Tuesday morning and I felt in shock still. I felt like the entire experience was taken from me. I didn't get to do my pre-c section last meal with everyone I love. I had to make insane hectic panicked phone calls to figure out who was going to watch the babies every 24 hours and juggle them back and forth (Thank you Kristie, Kiki, Calais, and Tiffani for all your help). Especially Kristie, who treats our babies as hers, you are such a blessing.

 When our oldest Shaw was born, the second he cried I felt whole and warm and tingly, like the best margarita with no hangover, and I still feel the same 7 years later. When Kennedy was born everything was hot pink and sparkly and I was in instant Mommy love and actually still am. When Chandler was born, she screamed from the second she broke the air. Sean forgot to record it and I starting crying instantly worried about what awful moment was lurking, like a wolf in sheep's clothing,  just around the corner. I, of course, was in love with her, but so fearful and worried about what was coming next. The fear subsided and I started to just enjoy my sweet baby girl. We came home and life was perfect and starting to resume some shade of normal.

My Small Group came and brought an offensive amount of food and love for weeks. I am still in shock by their support and love. You are the greatest group of gals a gal could have! I was in love with my complete family and cherished every second.

Getting your tubes tied and third c-section is no joke. I was in agony for several weeks. After my second sweet baby Kennedy, I dropped my pain pills down the sink the day I came home and never called for a refill. I couldn't have cared less. This was not the case this last time around. I was popping Percocet every 6 hours just to get through the day. A week after we came home I went to bed with itchy eyes and thought my allergies were coming out to play. 4 am came and my whole entire life was about to be turned upside down. I felt weird, my hands were on fire and looked huge. Well, the parts I could see, because my eyes were swollen shut. Freaking out, I rolled over and woke Sean up. His exact words were, "Oh My God what happened to you." So, start problem solving... pink

eyes, allergies, reaction to epidural, Im dying... Nothing really made sense. I had not taken anything new, used all the same products. I go to the Doc in the Box emergency ER on North Tarrant, get a shot and it starts to subside. Go home, in extreme pain take some more Percocet. Friday it is back go see Dr. Barrington who says, "You look like you had your lips done, women pay good money for that." LOL.

Friday night my Godmother comes into town and at this point I am struggling.  I have stopped swelling but am in extreme pain all over my body. Like needles stabbing me everywhere and the shingles started. Saturday morning I wake up and my throat is swelling shut, we head to the ER again. Why we didn't go straight to Baylor? I will regret that decision for the rest of my life. The Doc in the Box ER tells me I have toxic shock and prob hours to live. They do a cat-scan with contrast and tell me that the dye will travel across my breast milk so I cannot nurse for 24 hours. I lost it. Here I am on a stretcher, freaking out, holding my one week old baby, being told I am going to die, and that the thing I prayed for (Nursing) the entire pregnancy, I cannot do anymore.

I drank the dye and refused the contrast before the cat scan. They tell me my Dr. must have left something inside me during surgery and I have a fabulous lawsuit in the making. Yeah against y'all, not him. (Let me be clear, Royce Barrington could have left his damn watch inside me during surgery and I would ask him what time it said when he took it back out and go on about my day.) So, they inform me I am headed for ICU at North Hills Hospital and Chandler isn't allowed to go. Wait, What?! We beg them to transfer me to Baylor.  They lie and say it's full… they called, Baylor did not have an infectious disease specialist. I am in HELL. They move me to a hospital that looks like God forgot and, basically, is an upgrade for retirement communities, and clearly must accept winning Bingo vouchers as payment.

 I peed in a painter's bucket and they shot me up with meds that required my heart rate to plummet and lied to me at every single turn. 24 hours stuck in hell- without my one week old!  You think you've had a bad day? Rough. So even though I have taken it for years and multiple surgeries, apparently  I am deathly allergic to Percocet. I came home and flushed that shit down the toilet.

So, back to baby happiness. LET me just be HAPPY please! During this time, my husband became this man I had never met before in my life. He cooked, he cleaned, he hovered, he loved, he was amazing! Like, amazing beyond anything I can comprehend. At one point he sat on his knees and fed me my dinner while I breastfed on the couch. Cool. Can he just stay around forever?  It was so what our marriage needed. I completely had my faith restored in love, in hope, in believing in people. I am still in awe of the man I get to call mine.

 My Godmother laughed with us, took care of us, and recharged our batteries, as she always does. We are so incredibly blessed to have you Meredith. I was finally happy in the way I expected to be. I now know why God played it all out the way he did. I felt so robbed of so many experiences this year but now see exactly what He was doing. Funny thing about faith, it only works if you actually jump off the cliff blind and believe in Him.

I am still having brutal daily headaches, like an 8 on the scale of crazy. I can't take much of anything because of nursing and I am fine with it that way. I know that community is rich and exists in a way that I just can't explain. I know that when you believe in people sometimes God just rewards your faith and surrounds you with the best people He can. I am richer than I deserve and have a slew of moments that I am humbled to have lived and tell about. Daily, I sit and think "I have never been happier".

Chandler is now 15 pounds of fat baby gloriousness, Kennedy is getting ready to turn 3 and continues to be God's gift to everyone, (you're welcome),  and Shaw is a football stud who thinks he should become a Dallas Cowboy. When it comes down to who you really are, you never really know until you're tested. I am thankful for every single second of this year. Every single moment has allowed another huge piece of clay to hit the floor and brought me closer to myself and Him. God Bless and here is to a less chaotic 2014…and a shower by myself and 6 hours of un-interrupted sleep!

Cheers!