December 5th: Paul: Letting Go.

I have never been accused of having too much to say.  Truth be told, I'm content to be silent 90% of the time, if for no other reason than to avoid blathering on about myself.  It is, then, with a bit of trepidation and healthy dose of intestinal distress that I agreed to contribute to my friend Meagan's Project: Year End.

Not that 2013 was lacking in noteworthy material, at the very least of interest to myself and my loved ones.  It was the second year of my daughter's life...I turned 32 years old...I made the decision to switch careers, and then promptly decided to take a raise and stay with my current job instead.  And somewhere along the way, my wife and I decided that we needed to divorce.

We had actually been having problems for quite some time.  In my stubborness I thought that it was my responsibility to fight to keep my marriage together.  I thought that by nothing but my own willpower I could somehow fix all the broken pieces of our relationship, that I could reignite the romance and trust that had made us so good together.  And she tried too...tried to ignore the issues that, to her, had driven us apart.

Then we separated.

It hasn't been easy.  It's still a process of fixing schedules, prioritizing, rearranging...but it's the right decision for us.  It was the space we needed to see that we didn't need to be together to have a good family.  We have a better friendship since beginning the divorce process than we had in several years.  And most importantly our child is happy, healthy, and has both of us in her life consistently.
 
I personally have quit smoking and drinking. I gave up the excuses to ignore my health and started working out consistently. I feel and look better than I ever have.  I gave up on needlessly clinging to my youth and have embraced my adulthood.  For the first time in my life I gave in to change.  I stopped fighting time, aging, change...all the things that are in direct opposition with my need for stability and control.

That is my lesson from 2013.  I learned to let go of all the things keeping me from moving forward in my life, no matter how difficult they were to lose.  And the future is all the brighter for it.  I'm definitely not the person I want to be for my family and for myself. But I know in my heart that I am, for the first time in a long time, headed in the right direction. And I think that makes this year pretty damn successful.