January 2nd: Nicole: The 3 "C''s

As I sit here on a plane, heading back to Texas for the holidays, I’m beginning to reflect on what the year 2013 meant to me. (I must add that in addition to this, my mind is running rampant, continuously reminding me that I am NOT a blogger, nor a writer.) Any who, three “C” words simultaneously come to mind to sum up this year: change, challenges, and (lack of) control. I’ve come to realize that something would be wrong with me life if I weren’t being faced with these things, at least the first two, in a given year. And I must reiterate that by lack of control, I mean this in the most positive sense and as a norm.

2013 brought on many big changes for me (I will stick to the biggest two to keep things simple). You know that Blind Melon song “Change” with lyrics that go a little like this: “when life is hard you have to change”? The thing is, my life wasn’t really that hard, it had actually been going quite well. In spite of this, I have accepted that the only real constant in this world is change. I’ve also come to realize, from personal past experiences, that people tend to try and avoid change. This year I have subconsciously decided that if I am not allowing myself to be opened up to new possibilities (i.e. changes), I risk becoming stagnated, and that is not okay.

So here are some of the big changes 2013 brought me… and within these changes, there were definitely major challenges as well.

The first big change came when I went through the fearful process of reapplying to new colleges to transfer from the school I had been attending for two solid years, where I had met many wonderful people of all ages, sizes, races, shapes, and sizes. I had found and added onto my own special comfort zone here, being familiar with all corners of the school, which was right in the heart of downtown Chicago. 

I was accepted to DePaul University with the help from a pretty sweet scholarship. This all sounds great in theory, right?! Well, I can say that it didn’t seem that way to me at the time. I walked into the first day of class on September 11 (who could forget that date?) only to find that I was about to be taking classes with mainly kids in their late teens, maybe early 20s if I was lucky (I am 27). This was quite a humbling experience that took an entire quarter for me to get used to (not sure if I am even completely used to it yet to be honest). 

The old Nicole wanted to say “f**k it” and run, but that is not who I am today. I’m happy to report that I did stick it out, have learned SO much, and have had the privilege of studying under some magnificent professors! One of my favorite quotes from my favorite professor this year was: “the only tragedy of a mistake in not learning from that mistake.” In this past year, I’ve also decided to reroute my learning journey along the path of that of a Nurse Practitioner, focusing on public health and prevention from a holistic point of view.

My second biggest change involves my job, which came only a month before the start date at my new school, and the transition of this took, probably, up until this last week to finally feel settled in. I had a wonderful job that was handed to me by a very dear friend within a couple of months of living in Chicago (so I had had this job for almost 3 years). I began nanny-ing for a 3-month-old boy named Finn, and because I started with him at such a young age, it was as if we grew and developed together. Everything about this job was perfect, but the time came for Finn to begin preschool 3 days a week, the same days that I had been with him in the past. Time to find a new job.

Well, as luck would have it, finding another job came just as easily as it had the first time. My friend (same friend that found me my first job) had a second child since I started with Finn. And, now, she was the one who needed childcare! It seemed like this transition would be easy as pie, but I was quite mistaken. First off, it had not even crossed my mind that watching two children would be any different than watching one. Secondly, I was walking into this job as a stranger to these children.
The girl is 4 ½ and the little boy is 1 ½; needless to say, it took them awhile to warm up to me (especially the 4 ½ year old) and for myself to figure out how to mold into their already established ways of life. Early on, there were times that I was hit, called “stupid and smelly”, or simply responded to by nothing but loud screeches. Of course, I took this personally, beat myself up over it, and assumed that I must have been doing something wrong, but thank God I stuck it out! I finally feel comfortable in my role with this family and have come up with my own strategic moves for dealing with the curve balls that toddlers are great at throwing at you! I feel like I am actually making a difference and being there to support them in following their dreams!

(Side note: I challenged myself more physically than I ever have in my life. I ran in an 8 mile mud run that was mostly uphill/downhill with 32 obstacles- finishing that was one of the coolest feelings I have ever had. It was more mentally challenging than physically I think.)

The last thing that I mentioned at the beginning of this rant was accepting that I do not need to be in control of EVERYTHING. This has been a GIGANTIC burden that has been lifted off of my shoulders this year and I am incredibly grateful for that. Growing up, I was surrounded by people who needed to control everything around them, which caused me to grow up thinking that was the norm. If you are reading this and thinking you can relate to that need for control, I can promise you that there is a hidden freedom and new level of peace (that once seemed nonexistent) in letting go of that. I could not have handled all of the changes or challenges that I faced in 2013 as gracefully as I did without constantly reminding myself that there was something greater than myself out there guiding me safely on my journey. Letting go of the need to control everything has truly allowed me to trudge my own newly discovered path to happy destiny . I’ve learned that life is not meant to be easy, but the level of difficulty we have to deal with is determined by what perspective we choose to have. 

Here’s to 2014 being the best year yet!