January 4th: Lady B: Solo Parenting

I was listening to my Louis CK Pandora stand-up comedy station the other day and something he said really hit home with me. Granted, I think he is probably one of the funniest comedians out there when it comes to talking about his kids so I am a little biased. Brutal and a little too much sometimes, but his delivery is amazing. Anyways, he goes on to say something about “if you’ve never given the finger to the back of your child’s head when they turn around, then you’re just not parenting right.” Me- I've done that. I laughed so hard at the raw truthfulness and boldness of it but that sentence has stuck with me since then. I appreciate that kind of honesty, especially when it comes to talking about raising children. Those kids of statements, from random comedians to close friends, are the one thing that has gotten me through my job of being a solo-parent.

 I am a solo-parent. Daddy B is in the picture and we are together, it’s his job that takes him away. He’s gone for weeks, months sometimes, and we live in city away from all family so my chances of ever getting a break and relief are a slim possibility. I started my journey as a solo-parent the exact day my son was born. I was alone; I went into labor and drove myself to the hospital in the middle of the night. I will never forget the faces on the nurses watching me waddle in (water broken) holding all my bags. I remember one of them asking me “are you alone?” Certainly my reaction would be different after being pretty much alone for 2 years, and I’d say she’s lucky she didn’t have to deal with me now, although that’s probably just a fantasy as I would more than likely just cry out of pure defeat. B never made it, and my mom was in Miami visiting my sister. Luckily, my mom and sister both got there a couple hours before he was born. I like to joke that my son was brought into this world by a room full of strong women, but there’s no joke when it’s the pure honest truth.

 I am aware that I should be “grateful” and “thankful” he has a great job and can provide so much for our family and I am, but can’t a girl just bitch a little? He travels. A lot. Lots of people travel for work, here’s the difference, he’s gone weeks and sometimes months at a time, and when he is home he could be called out at any time. Just this year, the longest he has been home for one time period is a little over a week. Yes, I said a week. I have been solo-parenting for so long now, and I haven't mastered it by any means, but wanted to share the things about being a solo-parent that I've learned (and struggled) with this year.

1. We have to say “no” a lot, more than you can imagine. Even if we say yes, there’s a high chance we will have to say no up until the point we are in the car. I hate having to say no all the time; this is why this is probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to get used to. I risk losing friends, getting dis-invited, or just looked over when passing out invites for the simple fact that “she probably won’t come anyways.” Then, when B is home, I want to spend time with my family so it’s hard to justify always sticking through with previously made plans- so, more “no’s.” I work full time, and solo-parent full time on my off time, so the chance of me doing anything on the weeknights is slim to none—again a giant “no.” That tiredness can carry over into my weekends, also having me choose to take it easy or catch up around the house rather than go anywhere or do much. I am also the mother of a very bright, but very smart and stubborn 2 year old little boy, so you can’t imagine how many times I also have to say “no” to him. I doubt there is any other word that I say more, sometimes it hurts worse saying it to people I love and events and plans I’d love to keep, and sometimes I don’t mind yelling it as my son is about to jump from the coffee table to the couch—either way- it’s a hard lesson to learn.

       2. We talk. Way too much. When I get around adults or Daddy B calls me at night I can talk for hours, mostly about nothing. It’s so nice to have a conversation with an adult and even better to have someone talk back rationally and really listen. I leave visits with friends and even family and sometimes have to call and apologize for taking over a conversation or talking too much. After starting this blog post I realize I also write like a talk- too much, like Miley Cyrus in an interview I'm hard to follow and go on and on. This being said, fair-warning that if you ever invite me over for a visit or we meet up at any point, and I can actually come and don’t have to decline, know that I will talk a lot. I am aware.

      3. When you are a solo-parent, you not only take care of the kid(s), you are also responsible for everything having to do with the house, your car, and those kinds of things. Think of all the little things that you share responsilibity for, some of the things are even so small that you wouldn't recognize them unless they were suddenly only on your plate. Things like- taking out the trash, washing cars, making sure the yard looks good, making all calls regarding maintenance on the house and cars, etc. Clearly all the things I don't need to be responsible for I suddenly am. I'm lucky enough to be able to juggle myself, my job and my son, it's amazing if find time to do any of those too. Most of the time I don't find the time, hence the reason our house is in a mess and this post took me over 3 weeks to write.

      4. We cry more than enough. If you think you cry a lot, don't worry, I'm even more pathetic than that. I picture that part in the "Sex in the City" movie where Charlotte is in her kitchen and her baby is screaming and her toddler is making a mess- and she goes in the pantry and just cries. Her kids are pulling on the door handle and she's just saying something like "mommy needs a minute" while tears are streaming down her face. That's one of those "real" moments that keeps me going. That does happen; mom's everywhere have done that. I have that exact moment many times throughout my week, sometimes even in the same day. That moment where you just don't know where to go or what to do, and you can't leave your children too far out of view, so you cry in a corner, a pantry- whatever works for you. I've heard a lot of my friends say that when they have a day like that they hand their children to their husband when he gets home, time for them to have their break. A break to a mom can mean just being able to walk into another room to breathe and think for a few minutes, sometimes that's all we need. As a solo-parent there's nobody there for me to hand my son to when I've had too much, there's no relief. Therefore, sometimes crying is the only thing I can do, the only relief I have. It's crazy, but oh so true.

      5.  I had to learn from the beginning (and it took me awhile) not to compare myself to other mom's and parents out there. Daddy B and I have a different life than most, and we are making the best out of it. Social media is incredible, but as a mom, it can be a constant reminder of all the accomplishments of other moms and their kids. You can't care and you definitely can't compare. It used to wear me out to read about other babies "sleeping through the night" at 3 weeks old while I was a walking zombie, or read about kids reciting the alphabet and taking their SAT's at like a year old (ok- clearly not happening), but that kind of stuff doesn't matter. Everyone is proud of their kids and has a right to share; it doesn't make me less of a mom or my child less intelligent because we aren't all on the same path. I also used to roll my eyes reading about people posting things like "my husband will be gone for work for a few days"--really? Now I know it doesn't matter if you're solo for a few days or a few weeks, it's all the same. I sympathize with those people now and if any of them want to complain to me, please do so. I understand, believe me.

       So , to sum it up, I cry a lot, I talk too much, I'm always a step-behind, and I have to say no a lot- I just made myself sound so appealing. In all fairness, I'm still the same person I always was, I just work a lot harder to maintain. Being a solo-parent is a tough job, but I have to believe that I am strong and am making it. I am grateful that we have the things that we do and that Daddy B is blessed with such a great job, we will deal with the traveling issue later. We have adapted and Face time has become a priority for us daily.  My son is amazing and sometimes having him all to myself all the time is very rewarding. I am his world and he is mine. Here’s to 2014 and my third year of being a solo-parent, many things still left to learn but finally getting the hang of it.